I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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