if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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