Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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