I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
