Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
