after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
