I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
