Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Actions speak louder than pants.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
