I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
