oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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