it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
