The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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