I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
