1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
