Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
