Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
