come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
