All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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