i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
