it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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