Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
