my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
