corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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