i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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