as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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