At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
