Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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