I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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