I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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