Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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