Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
