WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
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