i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
