saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
