so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
