Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
We need to get me chipped asap
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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