3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
