In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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