I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
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