You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
