Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
