I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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