Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
