If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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