Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
So many bounce houses so little time
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
