we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
