we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
