R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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