you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Success! We fucked roommates!
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
