I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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