I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
